Randall Wheatley

Lyrics

One late night by the seizure static of Aunt Vada’s RCA 16 inch console standing in my two size too small Skeletor briefs. I’m watching my father open a big box and inside on a torn up section of newspaper with a pretty good picture of Batboy is a whole hell of a lot of hamsters.
They came cause Pop said I couldn’t have them and that’s all Uncle Perry had to hear.
And wouldn’t you know it’s not five minutes till one hamster’s gone hoovered up by Jenny probably by accident but you never know.
We get it out and Jenny says,
“Kiss it and it’s reborn.”
So I peck at it just a little. But she moves it at the last second and I kiss it right on its hamster dick and for a diminutive rodent they are disproportionally endowed.
It was a scarring and confusing incident for me farther in my life. But then it was just an appetizer for what was to come.
And after the unexpected arrival of the package Pop started pounding a nine pack of Little Kings swearing a little more and a little louder after each one.
Then he stumbles into my room right as that hamster prick is plastered against my chin and cheeks and the holocaust is underfoot.
I went to Vada’s toilet on the third floor. The only one capable of flushing small pets.
But he did not ascend so I descended.
And on the kitchen table newly emerged from its box after a nine year residency under the kitchen sink sharp and shiny white is the KTEL Vegamatic and all of those almost mice are already sliced diced and being served at dinner on a salad plate of Granny’s good china.
Dad got the first piece and although deep fried the presence of whiskers and ears in his esophagus triggered a projection of cream ale bile and beer nuts canceling dinner to my relief.
But surprise for secure in my undersized underwear are two survivors of the slaughter. And these omnivore fugitives are now free to live to love to multiply.
Adam and Eve on cedar shavings inside a Charles Chip can carefully concealed behind the old rusted out water heater.
And when I lift the lid. I am no longer a child. I see the world as it really is.
Because inside there is a mess of little hamsters all naked and blind and Momma is cooing over her babies and getting them clean and Daddy is just inches over and resting on his bloated belly is the half eaten feet of his newborn child and the other half is being methodically masticated by two oversized incisors.
And then just like that his cheeks are chock-full with the chewed up bits of his children.
I suppose I should have been appalled. But all I felt was peace and I knew right then that God provides so long as you’re not picky.
And that was the moment I knew I was gonna preach the gospel.